What the hell is ADD?
It’s typically referred to as ADHD these days. I’ve gone through months of treating it with non-stimulants after LC and landed on a stimulant (more on this another time; it may not have been the best choice long-term for me). But that’s not what this is about. This is about the earlier months of long covid, when things were royally messed up with my brain.
I have started several posts because I have many ideas. Do I finish them in a timely manner, or at all sometimes? No. If someone has any idea on how to remedy this, I’d love to hear it!
The emotional loss of color
In the early months of long covid, my brain had changed. My mind had been altered drastically, yet I had no idea what was causing it. This in and of itself triggered massive anxiety. I would go to the ER and get sent home, being told I’m stable and don’t belong there. At one point I was told to go home, rest, and find a “long covid clinic, or something.”
On the spiral downward, it was strange. I had blips of myself that would come on randomly. I would tell myself that the gray, detached feelings were temporary. And then they just kept becoming more frequent until the color was gone. Day after day, I would wake up mid-to-late morning after hardly sleeping (its own unique hell). I could barely drive (shouldn’t have been for a period there). There was no joy or excitement. My sense of humor was gone.
Music, once a staple of my life, became extremely foreign. Love, jealousy, regret, mistakes, and passion had no meaning. The only emotion I felt was anger, and I was angry a lot. Angry at doctors and medical providers (this was, albeit, valid at times), family, friends, and, mostly, myself. This was all my fault. I was a massive failure. I couldn’t drive, parent, work, or be a husband. Likewise, I hated my life in this body, and I still do at times.
In a world of human wreckage
Music became a big part of recovery, and I’m still recovering. I started to write down songs that had meaning to me, those that I identified with during this void of self. I no longer need to use a notebook; I hear a song, and I’m reminded of the depth of hell I was in (alas, occasionally still am).
Furthermore, I started to realize that joy was working its way into the mix. Lost emotions were coming back, and not just the negative ones. If you have the energy and interest, see if you can find the emotions in the playlist below. Or, make your own. I appreciate listening to it periodically, when I’m feeling bad. I was in such a low place the first 6 months of long covid. It’s easy to forget that, but, to me, forgetting it would probably make my emotional state worse again.
Acceptance of these changes is nearly impossible
I hate how angry I got and sometimes how angry I still get. I don’t want to accept this.
Acceptance is a difficult thing. It is not admitting defeat, yet I cannot get that through my foggy head. Waves of failure still hit me hard. I can’t do what I could do before, and that needs to be okay, I know, but I haven’t really mastered this.
However, I am able to rationalize what I can do as a very positive element. I can still exercise. Walk. Run. Mostly talk okay without stuttering. I typically remember things better with aids and overall improvement from the early onset months. I can drive for now.
I miss my sense of humor from before; laughter is such a healer. I miss some friends I’ve lost. Yet, I still have a sense of humor at times, and it still continues to get better, 14 months in.
I’ve made many new friends during this. I can’t expect some of the ones I’ve lost to just come back, just as much as I cannot force myself to be the friend that I was before to someone who wants me to.
It’s okay to be angry. It’s how you let it out. Go to a smash room. Park your car and yell. Hit a punching bag. Stuck at home? Yell into a pillow. If you’re in therapy, use that safe place to let it out (assuming your therapist is okay with it, of course). I didn’t know what to do with anger at first, but now I mostly do (no one is perfect). The lack of control of a damaged body and mind is incredibly difficult and can be infuriating.
I want to say, with anger, it is an extension of sadness. I’m a guy born in the 80s. Males we looked up to constantly told us never to cry; it is a sign of weakness. I have never cried so much in my life before this (and I’ve not always had a great life for other reasons). It feels good and is okay, no matter what your gender is. Letting emotions out in a healthy manner is what our minds need.
Do you wanna leave, or something?
So, I look over this once in a while. I see the errors and mistakes I make, and I try to keep up on correcting them. The lack of focus too. My vision is still pretty screwy, and my nervous system is all over the place. Sometimes I want to give up on this blog, but it is a way for me to work on sharing my experience (secondary). More importantly, it allows me to keep track of where I was, where I am now, and where I would like to go with all of this.
I’m grateful that people read this, and I hope others can find their way forward to better days, regardless of how helpful or unhelpful this blog is for you.
You may find my long covid playlist here: https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6BjJM1iN5B9kSigiPw68ZcFnyxO6DxEb&si=sgDz6dMdwyNy7zIt